Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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