sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
