I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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