And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
