and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
