id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
