Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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