Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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