Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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