I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
