2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
