I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
