I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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