i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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