so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
