One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
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Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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