she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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