It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
