oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
