I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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