PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
