I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
