nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I need a beard to bite.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
