just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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