Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
