Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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