Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
