Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
