it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
