Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I deserve this hangover.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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