chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
