it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
