Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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