Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
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I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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