come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
