That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
