Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
