Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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