Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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