He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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