so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I intend to get homeless drunk
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
