Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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