ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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