there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
