she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
