Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
