My underwear smells like fireworks.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
