debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
