I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I've blown a few things in my day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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