I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
