i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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