Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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