just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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