And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
