I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
